Self-Responsibility without Self-Compassion is Bullying
In my first-ever podcast interview with Content Queen Mariah MacInnes: What is Mindful Marketing, I shared an UNmindful marketing story that cost the company I worked for at the time $8,000!!! 🙈🙈🙈
Mindfulness is not just about learning from our mindful moments but also about learning from our unmindful moments.
Many moons ago I used to work on a marketing team for American Legal Media downtown in New York City on Wall Street. As a young twenty-something-year-old, I made THE biggest Marketing 101 Mistake – I didn’t have someone else proof my copy!
Listen to:
⏳ The two-minute story - My $8,000 mistake
🎧 Full podcast Episode: 216 What is Mindful Marketing
Cliffs’ Notes: I sent an email to tens of thousands of lawyers missing three vital words. Three words might not seem like a big deal but it was an $8,000 mistake! The email said, “Take this survey to win a $25 gift card.”
Can you guess the three words I was missing??
….for a chance,
“Take this survey, for a chance to win a $25 gift card.” We’ll people love free stuff, so I received 320 responses immediately!!!
The moment I realized what I had done ((insert Cher’s, If I Could Turn Back Time song)) I was flooded with shame, disbelief, anger, and frustration with myself. The first thing I could think of was, who and what can I blame!? Please God let there be an easy way out. Blame is so much easier than having to take personal responsibility. How the hell was I going to break this to my manager?
I remember that gut-wrenching moment when I exhausted all my blaming tactics and finally took responsibility. I not only sent the email but I sent it to lawyers – there was no way I could get out of this one. Like always, I made up a much worst-case scenario in my head and I’m not saying my manager was happy he accepted the situation. Of course, I knew how important it was to proof copy, duh, but I was a human who made a big error. This is life!
Now I had to congratulate all 320 winners and order $8,000 worth of iTunes gift cards! You’re welcome, Apple!
What I learned
In the pursuit of personal growth and development, self-responsibility is often emphasized as a crucial component. It’s the notion that we are accountable for our actions, choices, and the consequences that follow. However, in this emphasis on self-responsibility, there's another vital aspect that sometimes gets overlooked – self-compassion. While self-responsibility encourages accountability and action, it's incomplete without the gentleness and understanding that self-compassion provides. In fact, without self-compassion, self-responsibility can easily morph into self-bullying.
At the time, I had two voices inside my head, my bully and my cheerleader.
My Bully said: “You are so stupid, I can’t believe you did this. You are a horrible person who is always messing up. This shouldn’t have happened. Everyone is going to think you are irresponsible and can’t be trusted. They are never going to give you a raise. You better not forget what I’m saying or you will mess up again.” blah blah blah.
My Cheerleader, who has a quieter voice said: “It’s alright Katie, you are human, we all make mistakes, the most important part is that you learn from your mistakes and own up to them. I love you and I am always here when you need support. Don’t worry about what people are going to say or think. Can you please listen to me, not the bully? I’m the only voice that matters.”
Without self-compassion, self-responsibility can turn harsh and critical. Instead of offering yourself understanding and support in difficult times, you might resort to self-criticism and judgment. You beat yourself up over every misstep, viewing setbacks as personal failures rather than opportunities for growth. This inner dialogue of self-blame and condemnation can quickly spiral into a cycle of negativity, eroding your self-esteem and motivation.
The irony is that this self-bullying mindset not only undermines your well-being but also hinders your ability to take effective action. Research in psychology consistently demonstrates the power of self-compassion in promoting resilience, motivation, and overall psychological health. When you approach challenges with self-compassion, you're more likely to bounce back from setbacks, learn from mistakes, and persevere in the face of adversity.
From my own experience, listening to my bully leads to more shame, self-doubt, self-hatred and insecurity but when I listen to my cheerleader, I feel calmer, safer and much more confident.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the ability to create internal space where you can BE with ALL the parts of yourself. It’s where good and bad co-exist despite the contradiction. Self-compassion is having room for your creativity as well as your fear. Room for your dignity and your shame. Room for the parts of you that are amazing, glorious and divine as well as all the petty jealous and ridiculous parts. Self-compassion is about refusing to kick any parts of yourself out…. Because you can’t!
Self-compassion is not something you dedicate five minutes of your day to, it’s an ongoing process, moment to moment. It’s more about being than doing. Just like mindfulness. You have to stop distracting yourself with work, your lists of to-dos, social media, food, alcohol, Netflix, etc. and pay attention to how you are thinking, feeling and acting from moment to moment.
How can I cultivate a balance between self-responsibility and self-compassion?
Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment. By developing this awareness, you can recognize when self-criticism arises and choose to respond with self-compassion instead.
Be kind to yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar difficulties. Remind yourself that it's okay to stumble along the way – what matters is how you choose to respond.
Challenge negative self-talk: Whenever you catch yourself engaging in self-critical thoughts, challenge them with a more compassionate perspective. Ask yourself: Would I speak to a loved one in this way? What would I say to encourage and support them?
Embrace imperfection: Understand that perfection is an unrealistic standard and that everyone makes mistakes. Embrace your imperfections as part of what makes you human, and focus on progress rather than perfection.
Seek support: Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support and encouragement when needed. Surround yourself with people who uplift and empower you.
A way that I’ve been practising self-compassion recently:
In meditation, Counting to 100
Inhale, Exhale – 1
Inhale, Exhale – 2
Inhale, Exhale – 3
… You get the point. Up to 100 and if I lose count, I start over.
Be kind, be patient, be understanding, be compassionate with yourself. Notice the chatter, notice what you focus on and how you talk to yourself.
Other self-compassion resources from me:
📝BLOG:
Self-compassion exercises to help you with mindfulness and self-love
🖥️ WEBINAR:
Final Thoughts:
In essence, self-responsibility and self-compassion are not opposing forces but complementary aspects of personal growth. While self-responsibility holds you accountable for your actions, self-compassion provides the nurturing environment necessary for learning and growth. By integrating both into your mindset, you can navigate life's challenges with greater resilience, kindness, and wisdom. Remember, self-responsibility without self-compassion is akin to walking a tightrope without a safety net – it may seem brave, but true courage lies in embracing your humanity with kindness and understanding.
How do you strike a balance between the two? Practice mindfulness, be kind to yourself, challenge your negative self-talk, embrace imperfection and seek support.