3 Things That Will Ruin Any Relationship

Judgement, Expectations and Control….three major traps that will for sure in time ruin any relationship, whether it’s with yourself, a romantic partner, friendship or blood related. It’s seems very obvious but then why do we still continuously fall into these traps. Even if you don’t consider yourself a “judgmental person,” or have “high expectations” or a “control freak,” I’m sure you can easily point out many times in your life where you have fallen short to these things. Now of all those times you can recall, can you remember a time when this has worked out for any good or positive shifts in your life? I’m sure this goes without saying, but of course not. These three things can be felt or acted out individually but usually simultaneously. Almost like that song goes, “Love and marriage, love and marriage love and marriage…….you can’t have one without the OTHER.”

Judgement

Now I’m not talking about making an informed decision or a “judgement call” that has benefited your safety or anybody else’s. I’m talking about that straight up judgement towards someone/something else. Where the brain goes, that’s “right” and that’s “wrong” and that’s FINAL or “Ooooo how dare they, who do they think they are.” We’ll the answer is, “Who do you think YOU ARE!?” Some people have different ethics than others. Most things are essentially opinions even when they feel obvious. To judge someone else for being the way they are, say what they say, do what they do, act how they are act etc. never solved problems, just adds more! This is probably the start of the cycle and the root of all evil in my opinion. Judgement separates us from ourselves and everybody around us. As social creatures we are meant to be in relation with one another. We are all trying to avoid suffering and gain more happiness at the end of the day, so why do we constantly judge and label? Evolutionary purposes I suppose? To distinguish what is dangerous and what is not, but are we in THAT much danger anymore? I myself pledge to a daily “Judgement Detox” Gabby Bernstein’s book may help!

Expectations

These are much different than having preferences and standards. According to Tony Robbins (and I agree) we should always be raising our standards in order to grow. He says you won’t make anything happen when it’s a “should” but when it becomes a “must” your mind will stop at nothing to achieve it. So if we were to rise to our standards instead of falling to our expectations, we’d be in much happier /healthier relationships. Expectations by definition is having a strong belief that something will happen or be the case. Synonym, assumption and we all know what happens when we ASS=U+ME. Again who are we to expect ANYTHING from ANYBODY. It may sound extreme but the more we can learn to drop our expectations, the happier/ successful we will be all round. A great FREE PDF version of “Expectation Hangover” by Christine Hassler.

Control

The only thing you can control is your own state, thoughts, words, and actions…nothing else. It’s when we try to control others and situations we fall into a vicious cycle. Control in this form is usually brought on by our own judgement and expectations that we feel are “right.” As much as we might “know better” or be looking out for someone else’s “best interest” you cannot control anybody. I always say “Nobody is breathing for ya!” and at the same time, you CANNOT breathe for anybody else. Dropping the need to control others starts with taking radical self-responsibility for what WE CAN control (our own states, thoughts, words and actions).

These three things only show their face when we are feeling insecure, unhappy or “not enough.” This is not to say we are supposed to be confident and happy all the time, but we must learn to build a mental immunity so when we aren’t feeling so great we don’t turn to judgement, expectation or control automatically, we turn more towards self-responsibility, acceptance to what is and compassion for others.

Please kindly note that by writing this blog I am in no way shape or form saying that I don’t feel or act these ways. We are all human. What this blog and my mindfulness practices help me do though is recognize and accept myself more often when those negative emotions arise. Because they will, even when I think I’ve worked on it and got so much “better.” The more I speak about my human-ness and make it less in my head and more of a conversation the more I feel our inter-connectedness.