In psychology, self-compassion extends compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. American psychologist Kristin Neff (self-compassion expert) has defined self-compassion as composed of three main elements – mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.

Why is it so hard to practice?

The conscious brain likes to believe if we are too self-compassionate we will become passive, lazy, complacent, and never get anything done. Even though the research says the complete opposite. Then on a deeper (much stronger) level, the subconscious brain believes we are unworthy.

It sounds crazy….but this is what you are working with. I’m here to give you three easy actions to take that will help you cultivate the three elements of self-compassion (mindfulness, self-kindness and common humanity) into your daily life.

What is self-compassion?

“I found myself on the bathroom floor again, wishing my reality to be different. I was questioning my entire life, thinking I was in a hole that I couldn’t zoom out of and at the same time I was scared to validate or share these feelings with Kenny (my husband) because I was afraid of being ungrateful. The critic in my head kept saying, “don’t be dramatic, suck it up and move on,” but the compassionate part said, “it’s alright, it’s going to be okay, just talk with Kenny.”  - Passage from my book, Trust The Flames.  

You see, the person who will give you the least amount of compassion in hard times is yourself, well, most of the time, if you aren’t mindful of it.

And even if you are mindful of it, you might go back and forth between compassion and non-compassion. 

I guarantee you, if you treated and talked to your friends the way you treated and talked to yourself ….you wouldn’t have ANY friends. Let’s be honest!

Nobody likes to be judged, so why are you judging yourself? 

Instead of treating others the way you want to be treated, how about you treat yourself the way you would treat someone you loved? 

“Meditation was helping me learn how to walk this noble path. I started replacing my “either-or” thinking with “both-and.” Accepting what is but also working on changing what is. Sitting there for all those hours instilled a new way of being into me. I became more patient, open, humble and curious about the stuff that was coming up. Instead of reacting, I was observing. I was starting to have more compassion for my often-scattered mind and the cycles I found myself stuck in. I was finding more meaning and understood life more clearly.”  - Passage from my book, Trust The Flames.  

Self-compassion is claiming and owning that you deserve the best (just like everybody else) but most importantly you are gentle with yourself through the process. It’s the same thing you would do with someone you love. Practicing this is hard though. 

“We went out of the room and down the hall to grab some ice and as we were walking back, I blurted out, “I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be with someone like you. Someone who would treat me with more respect.”  - Passage from my book, Trust The Flames.  

This was my ah ha moment of worthiness, when I really started to put my self-compassion knowledge into practice because these were the words I said to the man I married just 3 months later. Just 3 months after meeting him.

Marrying someone that quickly may sound like an irrational gamble but for me, it was one of the most grounded sane decisions that I have ever made because I was truly listening to my heart not my head. 

That's self-compassion. It's about doing really hard things (that might not seem rational) but trusting your heart-led decisions. Trusting that no matter what, you'll always be okay and that you'll be there to love and support yourself even if it feels like "failing”; even if you notice other people's toxic, judgmental opinions. And above all, even with all your imperfections, you will always hold yourself in the highest regard. 

It’s one thing to say all of this and another to feel it.  You can’t think your way to self-compassion, you have to practice. 

Have you ever listened to what your inner critic is saying? Do you ever challenge it?

Self-compassion is the only effective armour, I know, when it comes to creating healthier habits that stick and mastering the art of not giving a fuck. If you truly want to change and give fewer F's... it's about practising more self-compassion. 

Self-compassion is the natural instinct to put the oxygen mask on yourself before trying to put it on someone else because you know that if you are not healthy and competent, you can’t help anybody else. 

You are pouring from a half-empty cup. 

It’s about filling your cup up so that it’s overflowing. What’s in the cup is for you and what comes out is for everyone else. 

Here are three actions you can take to go from mindlessness to mindfulness with self-compassion

These incorporate all three elements

1. Mindfulness - vs - over-identification

2. Self-kindness - vs - self-judgement

3. Common humanity - vs - isolation

Mindfulness involves being aware of one's present moment experience in a clear and balanced manner so that one neither ignores nor ruminates on disliked aspects of oneself or one's life.

Brain dump - Most of us don’t even realize how horrible we are to ourselves because we’ve been doing it for SO long, that is until we practice mindfulness. When you notice yourself not being self-compassionate, I want you to write down what you said, did, thought and felt. Exactly, not bullet points, like what was the exact language you used? What feelings came up, what did you do in that moment? Maybe even what memories?  It’s going to get uncomfortable, trust me. 

Self-kindness is treating yourself with patience, empathy, warmth and understanding.  

Replace -  When you notice yourself not being kind to yourself either through what you say to yourself or an action. Replace the unhelpful thought or action with a kinder one immediately. And SAY the new thought out loud. Words are spells! They hold so much power. Don’t let the awareness and that moment of practice slip by. This is practising self-kindness, observing self and choosing a kinder response. 

Common Humanity is seeing our struggles and failures as a core component of what makes us human rather than a personal failing that separates us.  

Zoom Out & Reconnect - When you catch yourself in those uncompassionate moments, slow down, stop, place both hands on your heart, take a few breaths, ZOOM OUT and RECONNECT. I want you to imagine someone you loved (your child, spouse, best friend) came to you with the same struggle. What would you say to them? It would probably be something along the lines of,  “No, you’re not. You are amazing, I love you. I don’t believe that. I know you’re feeling like that right now, but is that really the truth? Is it a feeling or is it a fact? Just because it’s an incessant thought or feeling doesn't mean that it’s true. Is there anything I could do to help you feel better?”

Woah now, have you ever asked yourself if there was anything you could do to make yourself feel better, right now? What would someone who loved themself do right now? Try it on for size!

Final thoughts  

It’s called Self-Compassion not, Mom-Compassion, Partner-Compassion, We-Compassion, They-Compassion, Us-Compassion…. SELF. Because nobody is going to give it to you, YOU have to practice it yourSELF. 

Unfortunately, people with low self-compassion suffer from the disease to please! People-pleasing tendencies: Not able to say no, need to feel in control, lack of boundaries, apologising often, fear of disappointing people, avoiding conflict, pretending to agree with everyone, low motivation, etc. Sound familiar? 

 

In my mini masterclass on Tuesday, February 27, 8:00 - 9:00 AM (AEST) How to Go From Mindlessness to Mindfulness I'll be sharing with you four beliefs that will empower you to take new action and break the pattern of people pleasing!

Join us LIVE online on:
🇦🇺 Tues. Feb 27, 8:00 - 9:00 AM (AEST)
🇺🇸 Mon. Feb 26, 5PM (EST)